Sometimes I seriously contemplate the possibility that maybe I'm not supposed to be in a relationship ever... and I also think wow I dislike emotion. Its either distracting because its great or distracting because its stupid and painful . Last night I was saying I might just become a nun with out the habit. That i'll just raise a bunch of Dogs, and never get married because this emotions business is ridiculous. You shouldn't be able to have feelings other then brother sister ones for a person who isn't who God has for you, it just makes everything feel gross. And chemistry whats that about.... Dumb.
I'm sick of falling for the emotionally inept and not being able to fall for the guys who want to give me the world.... Which I know this information suggests I need to do some work on me. But this heart thing i have is starting to feel like its turning. And rather then becomes a rotten bitter person I'd like the feeling to just stop plaguing me ugh. But on the other hand I'd really like to have children of my own someday, and I've woken up from dreams where I'm married and have a child and its perfect not because theres not work involved just because its like the work I was made for. So I guess anything worth having is worth the work it takes to have it, and worth the patients it takes to get it too. So I guess I'll hold off on being a nun for now.
It's funny, because I was just saying the other day that even though I'm married, I get the whole 'habit' thing... and maybe wouldn't mind trading in my wardrobe for one.
ReplyDeleteThere's definitely a huge backdrop of life experiences that can cause us to feel "chemistry" with others... With me it was father issues. It's good that you're searching yourself out to figure it out... what makes you feel those things for a certain type of person... where does God need to be allowed to step in and heal?
The thing most worth having is easily caught when we keep our eyes on the prize -> HIM. I know you know that. But may I encourage you in something you already know for a second. Be satisfied right where you are. Because finding a guy will not make you at all more satisfied. We have to get ALL our satisfaction from our relationship with Christ. Again, I know you know that, and maybe this is the "work" you are speaking of... just wanting to reconfirm it to you ;)
I love you, girl. So much.